Two peanuts walk into a bar;One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar.The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.One says to the other: "Does this taste Funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true,straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,"I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure? "The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer phone message"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No,because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and I pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun.
He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father,it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fanny Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."
Next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, and she's wearing matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fanny Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

14 things a man can do at the supermarket while his wife/gf/partner/female friend/mother is taking her time:
01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!" I LIKE THIS ONE
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

A Joke for Accountants on the list...........
Gary gets home late one night and his wife, Angela, says "Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a 50 note tattooed on my privates, " he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow 50 quid anytime you want!