Humour.



In one dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat ole focking firetruck!"


A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the druggist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence."
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy.
A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist. "The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says.
"We'll have a new one".


Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester.
Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps its mouth around the kids neck.
The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend is saved.
This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a possible national headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.
"That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan risks life to save best friend'"
"But I don't follow United" says the kid.
"Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to save his pal'"
"But I don't follow City either" says the kid.
"Well who do you support" asks the reporter
"Liverpool" he says.
"Even better" says the reporter "Scouse bastard murders family pet.!!!!!!!!!

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re- booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone,
"May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrives to give a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet"
He struggles to ask again " Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, and holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says" There's nothing wrong with them, Sir"
The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says, very slowly, "Thank you very much, I enjoyed that, but listen very carefully...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?


A lady walks into a Toyota Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Maam," he says. "And how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, I'm very sorry to inform you that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit yourself when you hear the price."


Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid cricketers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson said, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

What goes around comes around, fifteen years ago I used to use the next example whilst teaching the basics of Trigonometry (Webmaster)

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy here?"
"Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" The boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."
.....................

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time," Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish....and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.....then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is....
*
*
*
*
*
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...Some pussy is probably in danger.


This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???" This happened at Harvard University.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."


A young hotshot gets a job with the Internal Revenue Service. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,
"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."


An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.


One night a man and a woman are both at a bar, they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it.So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anaesthetist aren't you?"
"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "Because I never felt a thing".


What the card said on the Outside:
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the F&*&^# was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Sex with you is like using drugs...
(Inside card) - Lots of people do it but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

18. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

19. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

20. We've been friends for a very long time..
(inside card) - What do you say we stop?



An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of death. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing in the kitchen.
Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...... F**K OFF, " she said, "They're for the funeral."

George Bush gets word that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.
His staff are silent as he looks tearful and holds his head in his hands.
" That's absolutely terrible" he exclaims,
"exactly how many is a brazillion?"

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex mit you."
"OK" says the girl, "I charge 100 an hour."
"Ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

........... "Ah," says the German, Answer


A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the seven year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The four year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go down stairs for breakfast I am going to swear first, then you swear after me. ok?
"OK" the four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK !
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran up stairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice.
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops."

END